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Spent last Saturday doing a 24-hour shift at San Francisco General. Got the all-you-can-eat Pus and Blood Special.
Yum.
In the morning we were informed by the surgical housestaff that the daily special would be the incision and drainage of multiple abscesses on various parts of different humans. All of these aforementioned patients were connoisseurs of parenterally self-administered opiates.
Fortunately, my senior resident was a veteran of the place. He is a Ph.D. in pharmacology who has, over the years, refined the recipe for the Single Syringe Anesthetic (heretofore referred to as the Master Blaster). The following formula was used in the original Master Blaster (Master Blaster Classic):
ketamine 200mg
fentanyl 250 mcg
esmolol 30 mg
glycopyrrolate 0.2mg
succinylcholine 100mg
midazolam 2mg
There are, of course, a variety of Master Blaster formulas to choose from, including Master Blaster Lite, Master Blaster Dry and Master Blaster Pro. Finally, there is the Bastard Blaster:
succinylcholine 100mg
esmolol 100mg
*(The FDA has not yet approved the Master Blaster for use in human beings, except in compassionate-use trials).
Yes sir! Pus on the thigh, pus on the arm, pus on the ass, pus on the neck, pus on the foot, pus on the hand, pus on the floor, pus on the ceiling. We had finished gorging ourselves on pus just in time for dessert.
Yum BLOOD!
This course was served up courtesy of the Doe brothers (John, Mike, and Gary). It seems that John had gone to visit the estranged Mrs. John Doe one late evening. He was anxious to explain to her that he had changed his violent ways and that he was a new man, worthy of her company. Overcome by a sudden thirst on the way, he had stopped off at the local convenience store where a six-liter bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 had caught his eye. Arriving at his former home, his spirit adequately lubricated by the fine vintage, he found Mrs. Doe in the company of two fine young men, Mike and Gary. Reaching for his keys, he accidentally pulled out a 12-inch serrated-edge knife and fell forward, striking Mike 6 or 7 times in the chest and abdomen. Rising to apologize for the mishap, he unintentionally inserted the knife into Gary's thigh and then into his liver. Not to be outdone by such a warm greeting, Mike and Gary rose to their feet and inserted a variety of sharp implements into the chest, abdomen, arms and buttocks of their host's lawfully wedded.
Having been overcome by the display of male bonding before her, Mrs. Doe invited the Department of Emergency Medical Services to join the festivities. Needless to say, we partied all night long and well into the next day.
I still get a fuzzy feeling all over just thinking about it.
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